Oh for crying out loud!
by SciFiDVM
Summary: Ever wonder what SG1 would think of some of the crazy positions we put them in? SG1 reads some fanfic.


**Disclaimer:** I get no money for this. They aren't mine... but oh the things I would do with some of them if they were...

**Rating:** K+

**Spoilers:** Everything up to Season 9- The Ties That Bind

**Synopsis: **SG-1 reads some fanfic. I know it's not the most original idea, but who doesn't wonder what the characters would think of the situations we put them in?

**Oh for crying out loud!**

"Hey Daniel," General O'Neill announced as he burst into Daniel's office without knocking, carrying an armload of papers, "SG-3 just brought back these writings. They thought you'd like to have a look." Jack smirked as he dropped the pile of papers onto Daniel's desk.

"Jack, nice to see you again. It's been a while. I trust everything in Washington is good?" Before O'Neill could respond Daniel realized, "Wasn't SG-3 on leave for the past week?" Daniel put down the pen he had been waving around and removed his glasses before looking at the papers.

"Yup." Jack replied

"Then how could they have obtained anything for me to have to translate?"

"Who said anything about translating, Danny Boy? They found these on the internet."

Daniel was now looking perplexed. He picked up the top sheet of paper from the stack and began to read it to himself. After a few moments, "Jack, this is fanfic!"

"And some of it's pretty interesting." Jack dug through the pile and pulled out one story that had been marked with a post-it, "Like this one, where Carter's naked…" He zoned out momentarily, but was brought back to reality by Walter's voice announcing an "Unscheduled off-world activation."

"Do you need to go see to that?" Daniel asked, as he tried to slyly get the "Carter's naked" story away from O'Neill so he could read it.

"It's just Teal'c." Jack said calmly as he smacked Daniel's hand away from his new favorite story, rolled it up, and hid it in his jacket. "Once I read some of this stuff, I knew he'd have to read it for himself, so I told him there was a bit of an emergency here on Earth." Jack smirked, content with his trickery.

As Daniel began to reply, "You didn't…" He was cut off cut off by a voice from the doorway, "Did somebody say 'Emergency'?"

"Sam!" Daniel perked up and ran over to greet her with a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"I was told there was something here that SG-3 brought back that I would have to see for myself." She said suspiciously, seeing the huge grin on O'Neill's face.

Just then Teal'c appeared in the doorway behind Carter. "I have come to be of assistance and aid in the defense of this planet." He took in the looks on the rest of the former SG-1's faces. "Though I now believe that the threat you informed me of was merely a rouse, intended to obtain my presence here at the SGC."

"Let me explain…" Jack began

Vala sauntered in and cut him off, "He wants you all to sit around and read stories to each other." She hopped up on the desk so that she was sitting next to the stack of papers, straddling Daniel, who had sat back down in his chair. It took him a moment to realize the inappropriateness of the position they were seated in. As soon as he did, he shot out of the chair like a bolt and walked over to the other side of the table. He shot a smirk at Vala. She fired back with an exaggerated pout, then picked up the story on the top of the pile and began reading.

Jack then followed suite, grabbing a couple of stories off the pile and passing them out to everyone in the room. "Come on kiddies, it'll be fun."

After a moment, "Ok, I have a question." Vala interrupted, "I thought they didn't allow gays in the military here on Earth?" She was answered with confused stares from the group. "Well, all these stories are about a 'Jack' and a 'Sam' becoming a couple."

"Sam-antha" Carter replied.

"Oh, well then, good for you." Vala glanced from Carter to O'Neill and back a couple times, smiling.

They all continued reading for a while, until Daniel interrupted, "Has anybody else noticed that FanFic Jack seems to refer to me as 'Spacemonkey' basically every time he addresses me, in almost every story?"

"I noticed that too." Carter confirmed.

"I only called you that what, once or twice? Jack agreed

"I believe that to be a trend amongst these writings." Teal'c added, "The writers appear to fixate on statements or nicknames that we seldom actually use. They use them in numbers far disproportionate to their use in reality. Such is also the case with O'Neill referring to objects in Colonel Carter's lab as 'doohickeys'."

Just then Mitchell entered the lab, "Jackson, what's the hold up on that… General O'Neill? Sir, they did not inform me that you were on the base today."

"At ease Mitchell. I just decided to, drop in." O'Neill smiled and motioned to an empty seat, encouraging Mitchell to join them.

He greeted everyone as he made his way to the seat, "Sam, didn't know you were here either."

"Hey Cameron." She smiled as she gave him a hug.

"And Teal'c is even here. Ya got the whole band back together for a reunion tour, sir."

"Actually, we're reading _fanfic_." Vala forced a smile.

"Ooh, are there any about me?" Mitchell seemed excited.

"Not so much." Daniel said without glancing up from the story he was reading.

Cameron looked hurt. O'Neill tried to cheer him up, "At least they aren't doing to you what they did to Jonas. I mean, yeah, he could be annoying, but nobody deserves this." He closed the story he was reading and tossed it onto a fairly large stack of stories in the middle of the table. "Add that one to the 'disemboweled Jonas' pile."

Mitchell looked at the even larger pile next to the "Jonas" pile and asked, "So does that make that pile the 'Sam/Jack' pile?"

Carter swiveled her chair to reveal a colossal stack on the floor that was almost as high as the back of her chair, "That's the 'Sam/Jack' pile." She then motioned to the pile Mitchell referred to, "That's the 'horrible, painful death to Pete' pile."

"Don't feel bad." Vala cajoled Cameron, "Apparently nobody wants to write about me, either."

"What? No X-rated Vala/Daniel stories?" He quipped.

"Not a one. Though apparently Daniel's still getting his fair share of fanfic sex." Vala replied.

"Really?" Cameron raised an eyebrow mockingly at Daniel. "And who's the lucky lady?"

Daniel all but spat out the words, "Ever since Janet died, the fanfic writing community apparently thinks that I am most compatible with… " the sentence was completed with an inaudible mumble/cough.

"Say again. I didn't quite catch that last part." Cameron was now intrigued.

Sam couldn't stifle the laughter any more, "It's Jack."

"What?" Mitchell started laughing. Daniel glared at Sam and Jack just shook his head in disgust.

"I have found it difficult to determine which is more disturbing: a sexual relationship between Daniel Jackson and General O'Neill, or the fact that this pairing appears more frequently than any other, excluding Colonel Carter and General O'Neill." Teal'c added as he tossed the story he just finished onto the "Jack/Daniel" pile. "Though it would be appealing to be involved in any relationship at this point. It would appear that all I am capable of in these stories is providing manual restraint and speaking the word 'Indeed'."

"You do that raising one eyebrow thing a lot too." Carter chimed in.

"Indeed." Jack did his best Teal'c impression, including raised eyebrow.

"Well, I apparently subsist on nothing but coffee and blue Jell-o." Carter realized as she put down another story.

"Speaking of food, could people get over the whole oatmeal thing already? Not to mention that entire damned 'Time Loop Incident'." O'Neill added.

"What 'Time Loop Incident'?" Carter questioned.

O'Neill's eyes went wide, "Never mind!" He blurted.

"Now this is just absurd." Vala blurted out. "This is some kind of cross-over story, entitled 'FarGate'."

Mitchell continued, "Yeah, I think I read that one. It has Teal'c and Jackson working with some characters named 'John Crichton' and 'Aeryn Sun'. They travel around in spaceships, fight aliens, and go through worm holes together."

"Pfft… That just sounds… lame." Carter contributed.

"I can't believe anyone would find that entertaining." Daniel mused, "Especially this part here where Crichton and I have to go to some planet where it is required that we wear leather pants. What kind of planet requires leather pants? That's just blatant, shameless attempt by some woman to see me and this Crichton character in leather.

Carter and Vala are staring off into space, drooling.

"Oh for crying out loud!" O'Neill snapped them out of it.

"And that would be another of your overused sayings." Daniel added.

"Ya think?" Jack replied

"Indeed" Teal'c added, with a coyly raised eyebrow. Now it was on.

Carter caught onto the new game and continued it with, "I'm gonna go get some coffee and blue jell-o before heading to my lab to play with my doohickeys."

Vala's turn was next, "Daniel, let's have sex." Even though no one seemed to be writing her into fic yet, it was obvious what her little catch phrase would be.

"Spacemonkey!" Jack shouted.

"Jealous?" Vala countered as she grabbed Daniel's head and pulled him into a deep, graphic kiss.

"Oh yuck." Daniel muttered, wiping his mouth as soon as she let him up to breathe.

Then out of no where they heard Walter's voice over the intercom, "Unscheduled off-world activation." Everyone paused and looked at each other. The announcement then continued, "Come on guys, you aren't the only ones who get stereotyped in fanfic." Their laughter almost drowned out the rest of the announcement, "Med team to the gate room, Siler's electrocuted himself again." That just made them laugh harder.

"Now _that's_ what I'm talkin' about!" Added Crichton… I mean Mitchell.


End file.
